I’m so blessed to have my daughter and husband, family, and friends. I’m learning more every day that nothing is perfect except fantasies and I’m so glad I have a solid rock when I need it. My husband. I admit I have issues I have to work on and it’s hard. But having a wonderful family and friend network is so humbling. I hope I never become cocky and arrogant. I hope I can keep the voice of reason alive and remember those that matter don’t mind and those that mind, simply do not matter. I’m not perfect and I’ll never be. I’m perfectly imperfect and I’m ok with that. I love deeply and I try to be compassionate. Happiness can’t be bought. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and unhappy. Fortunately I’m not poor nor am I rich but having people in my life who understand me makes me rich in ways money never can. One day I’ll dig myself out of this genetic hole of psychological abyss hopefully but until then, I have who I need in my life. I don’t need thousands of followers and honestly don’t want them. I prefer the real relationships I have. It’s calming to know the few people I let into my life are not judgmental and they accept differences and love unconditionally. There are days I can’t bear to lift my head but when I can, my small circle of friends are right there. I’m blessed not because of me but because of them. I panic, I cry, I think about dying way too often but one thing that keeps hope alive is knowing I have my daughter and husband and true friends that do not put conditions on me, nor I them. Without the rain we can’t appreciate the sun. I may have rainy days but one day I will see the sun. Actually I don’t prefer the sun. I prefer just a small bit of light. Nothing over powering. It’s the small things in life that counts. I’m not going to discount any of them. I’m a simple woman with simple rules I live my life by. Love me and I’ll love you back. Give me loyalty and you’ll never lose mine.
The Dark Side of Logic….. feel free to explore.
This is after I woke up after almost taking my life about 5 hours later. My eyes are open here but almost swollen shut. The two pics go with the blog below.
I’m not sure what I’m going to say but I feel I have to say something. Today was one of the most emotionally intense days ever. This is going to be disorganized but I hope to mention people by first name at minimum because they deserve recognition.
Today I started my day with messaging SuzyQ on kik to let her know how much I appreciate her. This woman always sends me messages to see how I am doing and sends thoughtful messages to let me know what’s going on in her world. She has become a great friend to me and I want to say to her: your actions do not go unnoticed and I appreciate your friendship.
My friend, Jennie, had to go to pain management today. I took her because she would need a driver coming home. I’m not one who leaves my house often but she would do it for me and it went okay. I didn’t have to actually be around people. So I was having a pretty good day until I talked to another friend upon returning home.
I have been talking to a woman who has never been mean to me, I have never been mean to her. I was told something today that made it appear she lied to me but I don’t know. The context of the conversation put me into an emotional panicky tailspin and I decided to just end my life.
I called a few friends, my husband, my parents…and told them good-bye. I did start the process but a friend, MJ, walked in just in time to stop me. She stayed with me until My husband came home and I’m thankful for her intervening. She is a true friend. 100%.
Before that happened, I had talked to Janey, my therapist, Janie, my friend, MJ, Greg, Trisha…to name a few. This flurry of phone calls resulted in my friend MJ coming to check on me. Good timing.
Later, I listened to how these people cared. I never knew I had such caring people. I knew they cared, sure…but not to this extent.
I have anxiety, severe panic disorder, OCD, depression, among other things I deal with and today’s news put me over the edge. Literally.
I passed out and a few hours later those friends above were fighting my battle for me. If you ever find friends like these, hang onto them. We all need a lifeline and they collectively saved me.
I was told by a friend that Rickey Dale had been posting on my wall on fb he was concerned. This week he has expressed this concern more than once and for his own reasons, understands me and he is wise and empathetic beyond his years. I appreciate his friendship.
Chelsea (The Real One) expressed concern for me on fb and I have grown to love her as an online fb and twitter friend. She is a fantastic writer, she is not intimidated easily (or at all from what I can tell) and although I have never met her, I respect her and consider her a friend, even if it is online.
Trisha and J sent messages, Greg called, MJ called and I cannot help but be thankful for all if the ones who were a part of my day today.
Tiffany texted me and showed me she understood and have been where I was at in her life, where I was today.
Mary Jo offered to let me stay with her and although I need to be in my home, I appreciate and love her.
Erin is a great friend also and was not part of today but she often texts me just to see how I am. Much appreciated.
Hands down, I have the best husband….ever. He is always willing to do what he can to make me know I am loved. I love you, LC!
Thank you all for being a huge part of my day. There were 4 of you who collectively made sure I was okay. MJ was the one who dropped what she was doing to simply care for a friend in need. I’m eternally grateful for her swift decisions.
Love you all. You are all special to me. I’m sorry this was long and disorganized. I have more friends who I could mention by name but today is dedicated to who played a role in what could have been my last day. I lost bits and pieces of info during the hard part. If I left out a name, it was not intentional.
Much love. I owe you all.
How dare you throw me away like that?
How dare you confine my time and take away what’s mine?
How dare you hack away at what’s left of me…
With all of the anxiety and insecurities?
How dare you break my heart….
And threaten to tear my family apart?
How dare you daily insult my integrity..take away my dignity…
How dare you push me to the brinks of insanity?
Why waste my time and give me nothing in return?
Why build back all the bridges I’ve burned?
Why are you here blurring my reality..
And robbing me of my limited mortality?
Damn all the demons that continue to haunt me…
Who gave YOU the permission to taunt me?
I’m torn, I’m damaged; that’s where I’m at…
How dare you throw me away like that?
Bound by life
I’m gripped with fear
But determined to win
Prisoner inside my mind
Against my flesh I need to sin
The pain just keeps getting deeper
My mind a maze of thoughts
The more life dishes out to me
The more I try to reroute
A stinging pain brings sweet relief;
I see the blood tinged floor
From all the drippings of flowing blood
I’ve hidden behind closed doors
Immediately I feel guilt, then shame
As I clean up the mess I’ve made
It’s similar to the life I’ve led
But my emotions begin to fade
Physical pain replaces the pain
I feel from my emotional state
The love I once felt for myself
Has now turned into hate
How can life be so hard
And full of disbelief….
Why does it feel that sometimes
Death would be sweet relief?
If I could package all my tears I’ve cried for you
I could make a rainstorm…
If I could bottle all of the love I have for you
I could create world peace…
If I could remove all of the damaging words I’ve spoken
I could reverse a hurricane…
If I could be as close to you as I wanted
When you close your eyes, I would sleep…
If I could rid myself of the hate I have for the past
I could unleash a war…
If I could grow old in your arms
If I could show you how much you mean to me
I could show you a perfect love…
If I could turn back time and unsay the hurtful things
I could create a perfect melody…
And if I could erect a fence to keep out the bad
We would live in a perfect world…
But these things can’t be done
So I say I’m Sorry
…and I love you.
Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Afraid to walk
Afraid to fly
…I feel it all
I lay awake
With him at night
Peacefully he sleeps
Inside I fight
…to stay alive
My soul is black
And cold as ice
Sometimes I take a knife
And roll the dice
…and hope I survive
A passing day
Becomes a week
I try to talk
But cannot speak
…the words aren’t there
Who’s that girl
Staring back at me
When I look in the mirror
Who can she be?
…I don’t recognize
The strength is gone
She’s given up
She’s had enough
The pain erupts
…She’s lost her way
The sun comes up
She tries to hide
Waits for the night
She has her pride
…she won’t give it up
She loudly screams
No sounds are heard
Is this a dream?
…she hopes it is
There’s a bridge
That keeps her in the past
She wants to leave
And find peace at last
….she wants to burn that bridge
She knows she can’t
Get out alive
She wants to purge the demons
And live her life
…before time runs out
Time is never
On your side
why can’t we press pause
and find a guide?
…but we’re on our own
Until you’ve lived my life
And walked in my shoes
Don’t waste your breath
You’ll only lose
…you can never know
…unless you’ve been there
Afraid to live
Afraid to die
One day good-bye
Will really mean good-bye
I’ll live a lie….
Some say they feel like they are on the outside looking in, aware of the things happening around them, but unable to partake. I feel the opposite.
I feel like I am inside myself, peering out of my own eyes into a world in which I am afraid to mingle. I see the rain slide over my pupils and drench even my soul. The thunder deafens my thoughts and I cannot hear what I am trying to think.
I feel caged. I feel murdered. I feel defeated. I feel paralyzed. I feel unconscious. The rain comes in spurts of category five torrents. After this subsides, the sun is afraid to shine because the clouds are too thick. I have moments of clarity followed by terrors of reality.
My thoughts jumble together and the chaos inside me silences my cries. I am unheard even though I am shouting. I don’t want to leave the safe haven of the landscape of walls i have built.
Here it is quiet. I can think. I can feel the sunshine, even at night. I can breathe easily but there is guilt here in this tabernacle of confinement. The nagging sensation that eats away at my very being kills me a little more each day.
I just want to be alone in a crowd of people. I want to hide in the darkest corner of the earth. I want to escape into the woodwork of life, unnoticed, unashamed, and left alone.
I have a hero; the other half of me, who I share my life with. He never judges me. He has no time restraints. He has no conditions. Just freely gives me the love I want and support I need. But even he can’t make the clouds stay away. He can’t make the rain stay out of my eyes or the dark thoughts that enter my mind.
I feel the financial strain of burden creeping in but am unable to lock myself into a solution.
I want to kiss the rain until it becomes my friend and seduce the thunder until it goes away. I want to taste the fruits that only life can give me.
But the fruit is rotten, the thunder resists my seductive ploys and the rain can’t be kissed because there are too many drops….
Pregnant with dread of each new day; it is a replica of the last. The wind comes in strong, carrying debris from the past and barricading my future.
I am just inside looking out. I am paralyzed by irrational fears.
But no hears me. The four walls of my mind and soul are sound-proof. All I hear are reverberating thoughts that keep me bound.
I must find a way out……….